It's late August; do you know where your fall-footwear moodboard (mental or otherwise) is?

As evidenced by recent activity on Shopping Wednesdays, a weekly Refinery29 IG Stories series, we've got autumn fashion on the mind, in particular how to style the sub-ankle area. Are chunky dad sneakers still a go? And why are we suddenly feeling proper-lady flats again? In partnership with Macy's, we've detailed the precise slightly sportif/slightly preppy/slightly '90s-lug-sole-loafer aesthetic we're bringing to life in the months ahead. So below, in six essential styles, find our Official Shoe-Vibe Guide To Fall 2019.

You've probably been wearing all manner of double-decker sneakers and orthopedic sandals with your princess dresses. So now, counter, counterintuitively, the more unexpected shoe choice is a bow-bedecked ballet flat. Feels right.

Still going strong: trainers your dad would wear with tube socks and the flatform, as seen here in a big-cat print. Can you tell we're into a thick sole?

Ditto, but on a penny loafer we would've painstakingly saved our allowances for as kids.

Because, in our hearts, we still want to be early-aughts It Girls leaving parties in babydoll dresses and cheetah calfskin ankle boots.

We'd style these snakeskin loafers with white socks, a cropped trouser hem, and lots of '70s-slick attitude.

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Send in the clowns, but for the love of God, get them a good therapist! The trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's Joker has just arrived, and it is almost too uncomfortable to watch.

The new film, from director Todd Phillips and producer Bradley Cooper, tells the story of Phoenix's Arthur Fleck, a Gotham City clown-for-hire with a very sad life. Arthur spends his days tending to his ailing mother, but desperately wants to be a stand-up comedian. The problem is, no one finds him funny — including late night host Franklin (Robert De Niro) who makes a mockery of him one night on his show.

Arthur just can't catch a break, and no one is keen on throwing an ounce of kindness his way. A mother shuts down his silly entertainment of her young son on a bus. He's attacked on the street while in his clown get-up. Even Arthur's therapist is tired of him. It's all so, so, so much, and if watching people get relentlessly bullied onscreen while their hopes for a better life are simultaneously dashed is not your thing, well, this movie will be seriously hard to watch.

It's not that we should feel so awful for Arthur: It's a dark origin story. about how Arthur will eventually become one of Batman's most notorious villains, unleashing plenty of violence unto Gotham along the way.

“My whole life, I didn't know if I even really existed. But I do,” muses Arthur in the trailer. “People are starting to notice.”

The trailer teases the chaos, with citizens of Gotham wreaking havoc while donning clown masks. Wherever Batman is — soon to be played by Robert Pattinson in the DC Universe, though not necessarily in this side of it — it almost doesn't matter: This is Arthur's movie.

“When you bring me out,” says Arthur in the trailer to Franklin, who has invited him on the show now that Arthur is in full-on clown makeup, “can you introduce me as Joker?”

Should we laugh or cry over this sad clown? Check out the trailer below and decide for yourself.

Joker hits theaters October 4, 2019.

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The first time viewers meet single mum Rosie Lyons (Ruth Madeley) in the BBC mini-series Years and Years, she’s just gone into labour with her second son and is figuring out where to drop off her eldest. The youngest of the four Lyons siblings, Rosie isn’t known for planning ahead. But she’s buoyant, funny, and kind — an ever-positive presence in a show that often veers into devastating territory.

“There’s so much you can say about her,” Madeley says about her character Rosie in an interview with Refinery29. “I’d imagine that the fact that she has spina bifida is down the list of interesting things.”

Like Madeley, Rosie was born with spina bifida, a condition that occurs when the spine and spinal cord don't develop properly in the womb. Rosie requires a wheelchair to get around. Originally, the character Rosie wasn’t written as a wheelchair user, but after Madeley’s audition, it was clear she was Rosie. So, Years and Years creator Russell T. Davies worked with Madeley to shape Rosie’s character around Madeley’s own disability.

Rosie rarely addresses her disability — at this point, it’s an unremarkable part of her life — but when she does, she’s unwaveringly proud. “I think I’m brilliant. I don’t need fixing,” Rosie says in episode two, when talking about new technology that can fix spina bifida. The disability has shaped who she is, but it isn’t all that she is.

Through Davies and Madeley’s collaboration, what results is a nuanced depiction of disability rarely seen on-screen. For example, while Rosie generally uses a wheelchair, she can walk when necessary — challenging viewers’ perception of wheelchair users when she flees the house on foot during an emergency.

Simply put, audiences simply aren’t used to seeing disability depicted on screen at all, let alone a depiction like Rosie’s in Years and Years. Of the top 100 films from 2017, only 2.5% of the characters had disabilities — even though about 15 percent of the worlds population live with disabilities. Hollywood is becoming more diverse in all ways but this, and Madeley feels called to help fix it.

“I’m a firm believer that I have a job to do. I have to make this industry more accessible and real for people with disabilities,” Madeley says. She's on her way. Madeley's first major role was in the 2015 BBC3 movie, Don't Take My Baby, about a couple with disabilities struggling to keep their new-born baby. Since then, she's appeared in everything from sitcoms (Cold Feet) to sci-fi thrillers (The Rook) and and devastating miniseries, like Years & Years and the upcoming drama The Light.

We spoke to Madeley about Rosie in Years and Years, the stereotype of able-bodied actors getting Oscars for playing characters with disabilities, and why the entertainment industry has a diversity blindspot.

Refinery29: How would you say Years and Years’ depiction of disability compares with other depictions in pop culture? Did Years and Years get it right?

“Years and Years got it so right, with such a feisty character and such an important storyline that wasn’t centred around her disability. You almost forget that she has any type of disability at all. As somebody who has a disability and is a wheelchair user, it was really important for me to be able to portray it the way that I’d want to see when I was growing up. I’ve had such wonderful feedback from so many people saying, ‘I’ve waited so long to see a character who was just like me on television.’ For me, that’s a big part of my drive. I feel really privileged to be in a position where hopefully I can make those changes.”

Russell T. Davies’ shows are universally diverse, but casually so — they show all of humanity without making a big deal of it.

“It really is that easy to do. It’s not rocket science. These people are a reflection of who we are as a society. It makes sense for them all to be seen on TV without it being a thing, really.”

The reception to Rosie is incredible, both from people who have disabilities and those who don’t. Why is it important for us to see actual disability on screen?

“The only way that stories become more believable is if you reflect what people see every day. People with disabilities are part of that. Back in the day, they weren’t treated equally; they weren’t treated the same. There’s no excuse for that now. We’re way past that. It’s 2019. There’s no excuse for any kind of discrimination, at all.

How did you come to acting?

“I’ve had a really backward journey into this industry. I didn’t start off as an actor at all. I did scriptwriting at university; I always thought that would be my route into the industry. Fate had different ideas. A producer I worked with a few years ago needed a wheelchair user for a program. I thought, I might as well go and see what it’s about. I completely got the bug. I did a bit of work in between jobs just to fill in. Then I got my first lead four years ago. It went on to do so well. I knew this is what I was meant to do.”

You took a winding path to acting. How can the pipeline itself be fixed?

“There’s more that could be done before the casting process. Working with producers and writers who want to be inclusive. Acting schools, drama schools, stage schools all need to become more inclusive and accessible for people with disabilities. There’s a whole road that leads to getting into the room to be cast in something. I don’t believe enough is being done before the casting process.”

What’s the state of inclusion on screen as it stands today?

“I’m a firm believer that you have to celebrate every victory. We have come a long way, we really have. But work needs to be done to make Hollywood more inclusive. Disability should be a part of every conversation you have about diversity. I don't believe that anything is done out of malice or cruelty. Maybe [people are] a little bit scared about the whole disability conversation because the spectrum is huge. That can be quite challenging for people if they don’t know how to do it right. I’m going to be in a Hollywood movie one day, and I’m going to show them how it’s done.”

“Disability should be a part of every conversation you have about diversity.”

Ruth Madeley

What are some steps that could be taken to make entertainment more inclusive?

“I don’t think we’re at a point where able-bodied people should be playing disabled roles. There is disabled talent out there. I understand there isn’t as much, because it’s not been as accessible in the past for people to come into this industry. But there’s only so long you can use this excuse. If you’re going to use an able-bodied person to tell a disabled story, you have to have a damn good reason why, and I can’t think of one damn good reason why.”

At this point, these portrayals are still being rewarded. As of 2017, 59 able-bodied people have been nominated for Oscars for playing disabled roles.

“Exactly. No more. This cannot keep happening. It just can’t. The thing is, these stories clearly need to be told. There is no actor who can portray those stories better than someone who’s living it. It’s impossible. Until actors with disabilities are seen for roles that don't centre around disability — until that's just the norm, where everybody is seen for everything — these conversations will just keep happening.”

What’s your dream role?

“If I could be in The Avengers — anything like that, where a kid with disabilities could watch and see themselves represented. To have a Marvel character who uses a wheelchair who is a superhero? That would be groundbreaking for every single kid out there who feels like they’re not represented, and who feels like they don't have those superpowers. If kids with disabilities can’t even be represented in a fantasy world, then what the hell?”

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« Il est vraiment rare qu’on me demande une carte de visite, nous dit Lauren McGoodwin. Elle est à l’origine de Career Contessa, un site de développement professionnel destiné aux femmes. Et, selon où vous situez dans votre carrière et le type de carrière que vous poursuivez, ce fait peut vous surprendre, ou non.

« Si vous répondez je n'ai pas de carte de visite mais que je peux vous donner mon compte Instagram, cela vous donne la possibilité de le faire là, tout de suite. C'est instantané, alors que les cartes de visite peuvent se perdre, ou finir au fond du portefeuille où vous risquez de les oublier, jusqu’à qu’il soit trop tard pour contacter la personne. »

De nombreuses raisons expliquent que les cartes de visite sont en passe de disparaitre : elles sont encombrantes, elles sont mauvaises pour l'environnement, et elles coûtent de l'argent. Elles ne cadrent pas non plus avec la manière dont beaucoup d'entre nous — bon d'accord, surtout les millennials, mais aussi les professionnels en général — vivons notre vie et communiquons les uns avec les autres. Pourquoi chercher une carte de visite alors qu'on a probablement déjà son téléphone à la main ? Et pourquoi risquer de laisser ce contact potentiel perdre notre carte au fond de son sac à main alors qu'on pourrait lui montrer qui on est, au-delà d’un intitulé de poste et d’une adresse e-mail, et ce en quelques clics ?

Il est vrai que dans certains milieux (plutôt corporate, moins orientés vers les jeunes), les cartes de visite font partie des meubles, un peu comme la machine à café. McGoodwin se souvient d'un incident récent où elle s'est sentie mal à l’aise après qu'un rédacteur en chef qu'elle rencontrait pour la première fois lui a demandé une carte de visite qu'elle n’avait pas. « Je me suis sentie très millennial, » admet-elle. « J'étais gênée, surtout du fait que je dirige un site spécialisé dans le développement professionnel. Donc, s’il y a bien une personne qui devrait avoir une carte de visite, c’est moi. »

D'autres affirment que les réseaux sociaux leur ont ouvert des possibilités qu'ils n'auraient jamais eues avec le networking traditionnel. Par exemple, lorsque Kelsey Formost, une rédactrice freelance vivant à L.A., a publié une illustration qu'elle avait faite à propos de la fête des pères après le décès d'un parent, elle ne s'attendait pas à ce que cela devienne viral, ce qui a beaucoup aidé sa vie professionnelle. Quand son message a été partagé par @mindbodygreen, un compte bien-être avec plus de 784k followers, c'est exactement ce qui est arrivé.

« En un jour, ma boîte de réception s'est retrouvée saturée de messages de personnes qui souhaitaient travailler avec moi. J'ai obtenu plus de clients avec un poste Instagram personnel, qu'avec tous les événements de réseautage auxquels j'avais participé l'an dernier réunis, » dit-elle. « Les cartes de visite sont strictement professionnelles alors que les réseaux sociaux sont, vous l'avez deviné : personnels. Donner à quelqu’un un aperçu de votre vie quotidienne, c'est cultiver le facteur de confiance dont nous avons tous tant besoin pour réussir en affaires. »

C'est un exemple de tout ce que les réseaux sociaux pourraient et devraient être, si seulement on pouvait se débarrasser de tous les bots, trolls, et ces militants pour le droit des hommes (avec un petit «h»). Et l'idée de rencontrer brièvement quelqu'un IRL (dans la vraie vie quoi) et de développer plus tard la relation en ligne — plutôt que par le biais d'un e-mail ou pire, d'un rendez-vous autour d'un café — est un avantage supplémentaire apporté par la technologie moderne. Cela permet d'égaliser les chances entre les introvertis et les extravertis et de donner à deux personnes un point de départ « organique » – pour parler comme un responsable des réseaux sociaux. Même si ce n'est qu'un emoji sous une photo, ou un DM informel dans les lignes de, « c'était sympa de se rencontrer hier. »

Cela dessert également toute une génération de travailleurs qui poursuit parallèlement deux carrières (ou plus). Selon une étude de 2017 de Bankrate, rapportée par CNN, 44 millions d'Américains ont un « side hustle » (ou activité secondaire). Certaines vont de pair, comme la gestion des réseaux sociaux et la rédaction, tandis que d'autres sont plus difficilement présentables sur la même carte de visite. Des applications comme Instagram, Twitter et LinkedIn nous permettent de partager les nuances de nos ambitions professionnelles et de nos personnalités. (La plateforme sur laquelle vous êtes la·le plus actif·ve professionnellement dépend souvent de votre domaine d'activité ; ce qui fonctionne pour un apprenti styliste ne sera probablement ne sera pas forcément adapté pour un agent de change de Wall Street).

Il est compréhensible que les freelancers ou les personnes en reconversion professionnelle ne veuillent pas débourser de l'argent pour des cartes de visite, mais même certaines entreprises prennent la décision de s'en débarrasser. Richard Ramsuchit, propriétaire de Reverse Karma, une marque qui vend de l'encens et des résines, explique que sa société a d'abord imprimé « une centaine de cartes de visite traditionnelles, » mais comme personne ne les utilisait, il a décidé de les proscrire.

« C'est du gaspillage, personne ne les garde, » dit Ramsuchit. « Les consommateurs veulent réduire leur production de déchets et de papier. On nous demande plus souvent de partager nos comptes réseaux sociaux ou vont entrer mon numéro directement dans leur téléphone en ajoutant une méthode de contact supplémentaire, comme une adresse e-mail. »

Selon Carolyn Cox, directrice de Green Business HQ, aux États-Unis seulement, plus d'un milliard de cartes de visite sont imprimées chaque année. « Même avec les calculs les plus optimistes sur l'utilisation de papier recyclé, cela représente environ 30 000 arbres par année ou environ 500 hectares de forêt, dit-elle. « Si elles étaient toutes imprimées sur du papier vierge — non recyclé — ces chiffres pourraient atteindre jusqu'à 500 000 arbres. » Elle note que 88 % des cartes de visite imprimées sont jetées une semaine après avoir été données.

Pour les entreprises qui veulent continuer à imprimer des cartes de visite pour leurs employés, l'utilisation de cartes faites de fibres recyclées, neutres en carbone ou positives et certifiées par le Forest Stewardship Council ou le Programme for the Endorsement of Forest Certification est une étape importante, selon M. Cox.

« Nous avons encore des cartes de visite imprimées qui répondent à ces critères environnementaux, » dit-elle en parlant de son entreprise. « Pourquoi ? Parce qu'il suffit d'un seul nouveau contact pour avoir un impact positif sur l'environnement. » Elle ajoute cependant qu’il est « plus rare d’en distribuer de nos jours. »

Mais il y a une différence entre le réseautage avec quelqu'un dans sa tranche d'âge — qui est susceptible d'être actif sur les mêmes plateformes sociales que vous — et essayer d'établir un lien avec quelqu'un de beaucoup plus âgé. Dans ce cas, il est probable que ces personnes préfèrent la formalité d'une bonne vieille carte de visite. Mais la même chose sera-t-elle vraie dans dix ou quinze ans, quand la génération Y occupera les postes de direction ? Cela semble peu probable.

Je pense que qu'il est encore important d'avoir les deux, car cela permet d'adapter votre mode de communication aux besoins de votre interlocuteur, surtout si vous voulez obtenir quelque chose de sa part, » explique McGoodwin. Elle prévient également que si vous songez à utiliser les réseaux sociaux pour promouvoir votre activité professionnelle, vous devriez penser à l’image que vous souhaitez projeter et déterminer quel type de contenu va vous aider à le faire. Il n'y a rien de mal à afficher un selfie bikini — surtout si votre carrière a un lien avec le fitness, le bien-être ou la mode — mais si vous partagez vos comptes sociaux avec un client potentiel, assurez-vous que le contenu soit approprié.

« J'avais souvent tendance à plaisanter en disant : on ne va pas simplement frapper à votre porte et vous proposer un job, » dit McGoodwin. « Mais au final, ça se pourrait bien… Alors gardez l'oeil sur votre boîte de réception. »

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Welcome to The Drop, Refinery29's home for music video premieres. We want to shine the spotlight on women artists whose music inspires, excites, and (literally) moves us. This is where we'll champion their voices.

With her sixth album, Stonechild, Jesca Hoop is delving deep into culture, touching on concerns both complex and political in her songwriting. The singer songwriter has spent most of her career in folk, by way of some greater astral influence space, crafting lauded solo albums and a notable collaboration with Iron & Wine singer Sam Beam. Her latest is lauded by many critics as not only her best, but most confrontational and critical.

Her latest video, “Shoulder Charge,” uses familiar London scenes — from the underground to a typical flat doused in sunshine — as a way to showcase the human struggles of people from different backgrounds. Hoop, who has long recorded and lived in Los Angeles moved across the pond and opted to make her latest album there, thus leading to her decision to make this video in her current land of residence.

Hoop spoke to Refinery29 about the video, allowing people to speak their truth, and her campaign to get a word added to the dictionary.

Refinery 29: Tell me about shooting this video. Where did the concept come from?

Jesca Hoop: “There are a lot of angles to this song, but the point of this song is that between each of us there are many points in common. Whatever is plaguing you, you are not alone. The more we talk about the things that we're going through, the more we express, demystify, and de-stigmatise our experiences as human.

“I was loose in my approach to this video. In some cases, I'll manage things more directly, but with this one, I just gave a few words of direction and then let the director take over. I was hoping that the persons who played a part would come across as the average — that everyone can relate to. My part was to do something we do every day.

“We shot in a spot in London, a borrowed flat. It was a super low-budget situation, so a friend lent us their spot. Everything was done on a simple, shoestring situation.”

How conceptualised was this idea in advance? Was it choreographed or more spontaneous and in the moment?

“It was a combination of both. The most important part was to find people who didn't look anything like each other, or who appeared to come from different backgrounds. It was also important to create contrast amongst the people in the story, to help illustrate that no matter how different people appear, their stories are relatively the same. We all more or less struggle with the same elements because we're in this same situation. I'm not saying we all have to deal with war zones or specific traumas or specific prejudices — we all have a variation on struggle within the human existence. So, perhaps there's room for more understanding and tolerance. And also feeling the people around you as not other than yourself, but the same.”

As you said, there are multiple angles into this song. Was there a motivator that made you want to explore this particular angle?

“The motivator was feeling like I couldn't talk about certain subjects in life for fear of opening up a can of worms. I can't imagine a person in life who doesn't feel like if they talk about a certain something that they went through, that they wouldn't be marked with that experience. We, as human beings, gossip about each other. If someone goes through something that is anti-social, we're all going to talk about it, we're going to know about it. Unless it's hurting someone else, we should feel free to talk about what we experience. The fact that certain groups of people have to remain quiet about certain human conditions or things they struggle with, or the walls they come across — the fact that we as humans are not frank and honest about what it is to be human, the different dynamics, elements, and variations within the human race, that we have so many walls up causes us to clam up and causes us to be depressed and isolated.

“There is a word in the song that I'm campaigning to be put in the dictionary; it's the word sonder, but it's not in Cambridge or Webster. It means that every person you come across is living a life as rich and complex as your own. It's essential because it helps take you out of the centre and puts every single person around you in the centre.”

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« C'était vraiment éprouvant » nous dit Stéphanie*, assise sur les genoux de son mari, qu'elle a épousé en 2013. Mais ce n'est pas l'organisation du mariage qui a le plus stressé la mariée de 36 ans. Ce sont ses parents. Ses parents divorcés. Ou plutôt la peur que ses parents fassent un scandale à son mariage.

Quand la mère de Stéphanie est tombée amoureuse d'un autre homme il y a 15 ans, mettant fin à plus de 30 ans de mariage avec le père de Stéphanie, cela c'était plutôt bien terminé. Son père avait accepté de vendre la ferme familiale et l'avait même aidé à déménager. Mais c'est dans les années qui ont suivies que la colère et le ressentiment se sont installés, des deux côtés. Au moment où Stéphanie a décidé de se marier, la tension était au sommet.

Ma mère m’a dit que ce serait le pire jour de sa vie

Stéphanie*, 36

« Je leur ai parlé à tous les deux et leur ai demandé d'essayer de tolérer la présence de l'autre au moins pour une journée » se souvient-elle. « Ma mère était bouleversée à l'idée qu'on festoie sur le terrain de mon père. Elle disait que c'était extrêmement égoïste et que ce serait le pire jour de sa vie. Ça m'a vraiment fait du mal et j'y ai pensé tout le long des préparatifs et du mariage. »

A cette époque, le père de Stéphanie roucoulait avec sa nouvelle compagne, une ex-collègue de ma mère, ce qui n'aidait pas les choses. « Il en faisait trop. Le jour de nos fiançailles par exemple, il était là à prendre sa copine par la main, ce qui a fait pleuré ma mère et mis tout le monde profondément mal à l'aise. »

Le jour du mariage, Stéphanie avait justement pris la peine d'arranger le plan de table avec ses parents en tête. Chaque parent du couple était assis à une table différente. Quand viendrait le moment de faire un discours, Stéphanie donnerait d'abord la parole à son père, « pour éviter qu'ils ne s'interrompent », se disait-elle. Finalement, son père aura décidé d'inclure son ex-épouse dans son discours, et de parler au nom des deux parents.

Elle a aussi demandé à ses amis de prendre soin de sa mère pendant son mariage. « Donnez-lui de l'attention, elle adore ça. Et proposez-lui de danser dès que vous pouvez. Ça a été globalement mais je dois avouer que c'était loin d'être le meilleur jour de ma vie. »

Amanda White, 30 ans, a le même souvenir mitigé de son mariage, en juin dernier. Quand ses parents ont divorcé en 2001 après 15 ans de relation, Amanda n'avait que 12 ans. Pourtant, son père s'est vite remis sur pied, tandis que ma mère, qui bossait trop, n'avait pas le temps pour une relation. « Ça a vite créé de grosses tensions qui perdurent jusqu'à aujourd'hui. » nous dit-elle, émue.

J’ai demandé à mes demoiselles d’honneur et mes invités d’être en alerte

Amanda, 30

Amanda prendra donc des précautions toutes particulières pour éviter tout accrochage le jour de son mariage. « J'ai tout fait pour que mes parents et leurs nouveaux époux respectifs se rencontrent quelques semaines avant mon mariage, mais ça ne s'est pas fait. » Forcément, ça a augmenté encore le stress de la mariée avant les festivités. « J'ai demandé à mes demoiselles d'honneur et mes invités d'être en alerte, de toujours faire attention à ce que faisaient mes parents et de ne jamais les laisser que tous les quatre. »

Comme Stéphanie, Amanda a aussi pensé longuement à comment asseoir ses invités pour éviter les confrontations. « J'ai fait exprès de faire asseoir les parents à des tables différentes. Ma mère m'avait de toutes façons dit qu'elle ne voulait pas être assise avec mon père et son épouse. » nous dit Amanda.

Plus tard, sa mère dira (très alcoolisée) que « tout s'est très bien déroulé et qu'elle n'a sentie aucune onde négative ». Pour Amanda par contre, la journée aura été très éprouvante. « J'ai passé mon temps à m'inquiéter de ce que faisaient mes parents. On m'avait dit que le plan de table était le plus difficile à mettre en place à un mariage, et c'est vrai. Tous ses aspects politiques entre les familles et les amis, ça rend les choses vraiment compliquées quand il faut faire asseoir plusieurs personnes à la même table. »

« Le but d'un mariage c'est quand même de rendre hommage au couple qui se marie. Au lieu de ça, j'ai passé mon temps à penser à comment allaient mes parents. »

Il arrive pourtant que ça se passe bien, voire même que le mariage permette à la famille de se reparler et recréer des liens. « Mes parents ont décidé de venir ensemble, comme un couple, de me mener à l'autel et je les ai même vu danser ensemble sur leur chanson de mariage. » se rappelle Emily Powell, 21 ans.

Mes amis ont même fait des blagues sur le fait que mes parents étaient si proches le soir de mon mariage

Emily, 21 ans

Quand ses parents, qui s'étaient mariés en 1988 ont divorcé en 2004, Emily raconte qu'elle a ressenti un intense soulagement, parce que leur relation avait fini par être toxique. Tous deux ont eu plusieurs histoires longues par la suite, mais ça ne les a pas empêché de rester en bons termes.

« Ça nous arrive de célébrer les fêtes ensemble et apparemment maintenant ça arrive à mes parents de s'appeler de temps à autre et de se voir sans moi. Je crois même qu'ils se voient plus qu'on se voit mutuellement. »

Leur amitié a permis à Emily de profiter pleinement de son mariage . « J'ai vraiment pu profiter de mon mariage. Mes amis ont même fait des blagues sur le fait que mes parents étaient si proches le soir de mon mariage. Plus tard, tous les deux m'ont dit que c'était le plus beau jour de leur vie, je vous jure ! ». Si tout le monde pouvait en faire autant…

* Les noms ont été modifiés pour préserver l'anonymat des personnes interrogées.

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Quand l'anxiété sociale empiète sur votre carrière

Un mariage ? Voici 12 idées de manucures chics

Je me suis maquillée moi-même pour mon mariage

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From Chapstick and perfume to sentimental trinkets, we carry our entire lives in our handbags. In Spill It, our favorite trendsetters show and tell their bare necessities and beauty secrets — both the practical and the personal.

Influencers often focus on one skill set when it comes to their content, whether that be makeup tutorials, fashion hauls, cooking recipes, or workout routines — but Remi Ashten does it all. No, seriously. One scroll through her main YouTube channel, which has over 2 million subscribers, and you'll see that no video is the same. While she does do fashion and beauty vids, she also films DIY bedroom transformations and dance videos.

So, what does a content creator who dabbles in just about everything carry around in her purse? Just like with her videos, there's a lot to unpack. From Trader Joe's seasoning to a reusable straw and an outstanding parking ticket, there are many surprises in the influencer's bag. As for her on-the-go beauty stash, she's all about the lips, carrying four different balms and glosses to fit her every mood.

You'll surely want to see everything that Ashten's spilling in the video above.

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Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand announced Wednesday she has ended her campaign for president.

The New York Senator was one of several women — including Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard, Sen. Kamala Harris, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, and Marianne Williamson — vying for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. Gillibrand failed to gain the same traction as some of her Democratic rivals and as of Wednesday, did not meet the threshold to qualify for the third primary debate in September.

“We wanted to win this race. But it’s important to know when it’s not your time and to know how you can best serve your community and country,” she said in a video message posted on social media.

Today, I am ending my campaign for president.

I am so proud of this team and all we’ve accomplished. But I think it’s important to know how you can best serve.

To our supporters: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Now, let’s go beat Donald Trump and win back the Senate. pic.twitter.com/xM5NGfgFGT

— Kirsten Gillibrand (@SenGillibrand) August 28, 2019

Gillibrand, who announced her campaign in January of this year, put issues affecting families and women at the center of her platform.

In May, she released a plan for a “Family Bill of Rights” tackling a wide range of issues that include investments in maternal and child health, paid family leave, affordable child care, and universal pre-K.

In the second presidential primary debate, she confronted former Vice President Joe Biden for an op-ed he wrote in the 1980s in which he criticized expanding a child care tax credit. “I think we have to have a broader conversation about whether we value women and whether we want to make sure women have every opportunity in the workplace,” Gillibrand said at the debate. “When the Senate was debating middle-class affordability for child care…[Joe Biden] voted against it, the only vote, but what he wrote in an op-ed was that he believed that women working outside the home would, quote, ‘create the deterioration of family.’ He also said that women who were working outside the home were, quote, ‘avoiding responsibility.’”

In June, Gillibrand, a supporter of the Equality Act, which would ban loopholes that allow for discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation, also announced sweeping LGBTQ+ proposals she would institute if elected, including a ban on conversion therapy.

Throughout the campaign she was dogged by criticism for being vocal in calling for Minnesota Sen. Al Franken's resignation amid allegations of groping and other sexual misconduct. While Gillibrand has repeatedly said she has no regrets about her decision, she said it angered many big Democratic donors and cost her donations.

In the video announcing her decision to withdraw from the race, Gillibrand admitted that although this was not the outcome she wanted, she was proud of the issues to which she brought attention. “Together, we have taken on the fights others wouldn’t. We've lead the fights that we can’t afford to lose for women and families — and moved the entire field along with us,” she said. “We’ve put the civil rights of women front and center and never backed down when it comes to valuing them.”

She made it clear that while she is no longer in the race for the White House, she plans to make her voice heard and help win back the Senate for Democrats in 2020.

In 2014, she published her first book, Off the Sidelines: Raise Your Voice, Change the World while simultaneously launching the Off the Sidelines PAC to help get young women involved in politics, a mission to which she says she remains committed.

“We have to defeat President Trump, flip the Senate, and elect women up and down the ballot,” she said in the video.

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A decade after the death of DJ AM — aka Adam Goldstein — in August of 2009, his former girlfriend Mandy Moore has penned an Instagram post honoring the late artist.

“It’s been 10 years. There are so many times I still find myself wanting to tell you about something funny or strange or exciting,” wrote Moore on the social media platform. “I miss your contagious, guttural laugh and your hugs. The best hugs. Miss you every day but today is always hard.”

Comments on Moore's Instagram include a supportive emoji message from Wilmer Valderrama, another ex of Moore's. Fans also shared supportive messages about their own battles with grief.

Moore and Goldstein reportedly dated in 2007 and split up that same year, before allegedly getting back together following a deadly plane crash in 2008, of which Goldstein and Blink-182's Travis Barker were the only survivors.

“I always said I have 1,000 acquaintances and very few friends. I thought people aren’t there if you need them. Now I realize I have 1,000 friends who’ve been there for me,” Goldstein said in an interview with Access of the support he received following the accident. “I am blessed.”

Moore and Goldstein seemingly remained friends until Goldstein's death of an accidental drug overdose in 2009.

View this post on Instagram

It’s been 10 years. There are so many times I still find myself wanting to tell you about something funny or strange or exciting. I miss your contagious, guttural laugh and your hugs. The best hugs. Miss you every day but today is always hard.

A post shared by Mandy Moore (@mandymooremm) on Aug 28, 2019 at 10:26am PDT

Moore also posted a tribute to Goldstein last year, on the anniversary of his death.

“9 years,” Moore wrote. “I miss you every day, Adam.”

View this post on Instagram

9 years. I miss you every day, Adam. #djam

A post shared by Mandy Moore (@mandymooremm) on Aug 28, 2018 at 7:40pm PDT

In 2016, documentary The Life and Time$ of DJ AM, about Goldstein's life and struggles with addiction was released. It highlighted Goldstein's battle with substance abuse and mental health issues, including time he spent in an allegedly abusive rehabilitation center. At the time of Goldstein's death, the DJ was working on Gone Too Far, a reality series about drug addiction. It debuted on October 12 of 2009, less than two months after Goldstein's death.

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Growing up, our families had always been ridiculously close. With only a year between us (me older, but not wiser), Abi and I were inseparable. Despite being cousins, our relationship was more like sisters who happened to live in different houses. From holding hands at Disneyland Paris to holding hair back in Cardiff’s Live Lounge toilets, we’d seen each other through the best of times and the worst of times, from family divorces to hair-spraying our fringes until they became a solid forehead lid.

And then there was Geraint. I first met him on the dance floor of our hometown’s worst nightclub. It was 2012, I was 18, and our highly anticipated introduction (he was cooler, older and had an EP on iTunes) was interrupted by an ex-boyfriend of mine throwing a punch at the guy he thought I was seeing. Geraint and I fled to safety the pub and we bonded over our shared, um, 'danger' and our love of Abi. The rest was history, and six years later on Boxing Day, they’d announce to the whole family that they’d just got engaged on a wintry walk up our local Welsh mountain.

Fast-forward to spring 2019, and their wedding preparations were well underway. Abi and Geraint, like the 52% of Brits who responded to the British Social Attitudes (BSA) survey of 2018, don’t see themselves as belonging to any religion. And like two-thirds of the British population, they never attend ordinary religious services. So with no desire for a traditional or religious ceremony, Abi and Geraint planned one that could be as informal, fun and laid-back as possible.

Before the wedding in Tuscany (they did the official bit first in Greenwich), Abi sent me the longest message of all time, saying that seeing as their wedding was so informal, they wanted to be married by someone they loved, not a stranger. They wouldn’t need anyone to be officiated, or do anything legal. She went on to say that since I’d been her first ever best friend and by her side all her life, it wasn’t really a choice for her – she wanted it to be me. And when she’d talked to Geraint about it, he said I’d been family to him since he first entered the whirlwind world of our mad family, so it made sense to him too. She followed it up with, “No pressure or anything though!!!”

Immediately, I was a ball of emotions, ranging from over the moon (read: in tears) to an anxious mess. I had so many questions. What exactly did this mean? Did I need to write my own speech? WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? She replied with, “Em, it’s going to be SO laid-back. Just write and say whatever you like. We honestly don’t mind at all. It’s up to you.”

I spent the next three weeks reading a Google Doc of ceremony scripts that Abi had found online, with notes she'd added saying things like, “Might not need this bit but idk?” and “These vows are dumb, lol”. I watched Four Weddings and a Funeral, 27 Dresses and the episode of Friends when Joey writes the speech all about the having, the loving, the sharing and the receiving. I even messaged Sarah Powell, Red magazine columnist and wedding celebrant for hire, for advice. She told me that it’s all about “their story, how they met and the things they love about each other.” Oh, and that no matter what happened, I’d be great.

Suddenly, when it was all there on paper (and when I say paper, I mean my iPad screen), I was struck with nerves. I’d been so worried about getting all the words right and covering everything 'official' so that it felt like a real ceremony, that I hadn’t even started to think about the fact that I’d be up there in front of the most important people in Abi and Geraint's lives. I was the only one who could mess this up and if I did, it’d ruin the best day of their lives. But as Abi said, no pressure.

Geraint arrived down the aisle with his parents and we both grinned at each other. “Oh my god, I’m so nervous,” I said. “I’m supposed to be the nervous one, not you,” he said.

Then Abi walked down the aisle with her parents, my aunty and uncle. “Oh my god Ger,” I said, grabbing his arm, “she looks amazing.” “Doesn’t she just,” he said dreamily, as we both suddenly had eyes only for her – this gorgeous woman we both loved so much.

She arrived at the 'altar' (aka me stood in front of a floral arch in a yellow Whistles dress, holding an iPad) and immediately told me off for crying. “Oh my god Em, get a grip,” she laughed. Then the music stopped, I pulled myself together and opened with, “Hi guys”.

The ceremony itself was just 20 minutes long. I’d decided not to start with the old, “For those of you who don’t know me…” introduction that features in every wedding speech ever, and instead went straight into talking about Abi and Geraint, and how we all ended up in Tuscany celebrating their love.

After laughs, tears (happy ones) and declaring that while I had no power vested in me, I was now pronouncing them husband and wife, the ceremony ended in applause. And then, as they walked back down the aisle through a cloud of colourful smoke set off from flares by the groomsmen, my job was done. And I hadn’t f*cked it up.

For Abi and Geraint, choosing me as their celebrant was their way of demonstrating the significance of our friendship. And traditionally, unless you were in the bride tribe, the groom gang or the parents of the happy couple, you’d just be a guest watching happily, maybe a bit tearfully, but definitely hoping for a free bar. But there’s now this amazing, thoughtful and creative new role that you can invite your nearest and dearest to step into.

If you’re lucky enough to be asked, “Will you marry me?” by someone who’s not looking for a lifelong commitment, just for someone to do their relationship justice on the most important day of their lives, you should jump at the chance – it’s one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done for someone. That said, I have three tips for you:

1. It’s all about them

Like Sarah Powell said, it’s all about their story. Think about who they are as people, and bring that into what you say and how you say it. If they’re a quiet and low-key couple, they’re not going to want outrageous jokes and one-liners.

2. Enjoy it

It is such an honour for you to be asked to do this. Really. You should feel so delighted and privileged. So take your time with the writing, enjoy your chats with the happy couple about what they want this to be, and no matter how nervous you feel, remember you’ve been asked to do this for a reason.

3. Choose a big font

Honestly, the bigger the better. Whether it’s printed out or on an iPad screen like mine, you’re going to want to be able to see the words you need to say in all circumstances – especially through tears. No one needs a squinty celebrant who says, “Now, where was I?” And just because it’s a wedding, doesn’t mean you need to use a fancy cursive font. Arial or Proxima Nova will do you just fine.

This newly placed importance on the person who 'marries' you being someone you love and know extremely well means that you’ll be choosing someone who can give your big day something more real, personal and authentic. When I asked Abi and Geraint whether I did that for them, they said, “You couldn’t have done it any better.”

I guess all that “no pressure” paid off, after all.

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As I watched my hair fall to the grey tiles in frizzy, scattered piles, I felt a sudden wave of panic. The stylist took scissors, then clippers, to the long strands that once fell down my lower back, cutting everything off to ear level — and I knew she wasn’t finished. I had requested shaved sides with only a tuft of curls at the top of my head. As a fat woman, I had never allowed myself to cut my hair this short. Even on this day, despite years of immersion in fat-positive and body-positive advocacy, I still worried about challenging the idea of beauty in relation to my fat body. Would I feel less feminine with my short back and sides? Would the world around me grow even more cruel, more judgmental? Would my female identity be compromised?

Somewhere between childhood (when I realised my 'baby fat' wasn’t going anywhere) and adulthood (when I actively decided to live at peace with this), I internalised the pressure put on fat women and femmes to present themselves in a hyper-feminine way. It’s as though by rocking pristine foundation or vintage-inspired dresses we can 'make up' for the space we occupy. At least a little. We can be viewed as individuals who are 'making an effort' in categories outside of our figures. Oftentimes, we’re treated with more kindness as a result.

I had dabbled in shoulder-length cuts before and remembered feeling somewhat liberated by them — as if a metaphorical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. However, those cuts were still safe. They remained feminine, by most people’s definition of the term. They were comfortable, and while many people did not like my fatness, they did like my feminine, curly hair.

My new cut certainly didn’t feel comfortable, though. At least not initially. The second I felt the clippers hit my scalp, I began questioning what femininity actually means to me, and if it even matters. I asked myself whether I really am happy to take up space, or whether I am only happy to do so when I feel like I’m compensating for my fatness in other ways. I reflected on the type of attention that makes me feel good and the type that makes me feel bad, and how I might react to changes in the attention I receive after walking out of the salon.

Even though I do not believe that fat women and femmes must have long hair in order to be presentable, worthy of respect or beautiful, I came face to face with the effects of this construct on my own presentation on the day I finally made the big chop. I was emboldened by a friend cutting off her own locks a couple of seats over; emboldened by the desire to challenge any lingering fatphobic constructs I may have been applying to myself.

As I gazed upon my falling hair, I realised that I’d been using it as my armour for years — a practice many fat women fall into. “At university I grew my hair out to the longest it had ever been and hid behind it in despair and guilt at having gained back all the weight I'd lost with my eating disorder,” explains Ragini Nag Rao, a plus-size fashion blogger. “It was the sort of hair I'd dreamed of as a child, but once I finally had it, I used it as a barrier to shut out the world.”

Many fat women and femmes experience this pressure, particularly if they exist at the intersection of multiple marginalised identities. “I felt plenty of unspoken pressure to keep my hair long,” says plus-size model and writer, Lydia Okello. “Being both black and fat, there was an unspoken narrative that desirability resides in pursuing traditional beauty norms. Long hair was a big one, particularly where 'good' and 'bad' black hair were concerned.”

Despite genuinely loving cutting her thick strands into a pixie crop (noting that her very first pixie at 18 was “sleek and styled” and made her feel “like a '60s starlet”), Ragini says she was at a point in her life where she'd eschewed social acceptance in favour of being an eccentric. “That haircut helped cement my status as the hot, crazy chick,” she says. “I still have a tendency to hide behind my hair whenever it's long and use it to conceal my face fat, especially in photos. Half the time I'm not even aware that's what I'm doing. It's such a reflexive, ingrained behaviour from having been fat all my life.”

In allowing my long hair to serve as my armour, I eventually grew to correlate it with my identity in ways that weren’t necessarily benefiting me. I assumed that if it ever went, so too would my femininity, or the strength I derive from traditionally 'feminine' things like makeup, dresses or domestic badassery. Deep down, I suppose I knew that I’d face more judgment from internet and IRL trolls if I did opt for a more masculine or androgynous hairstyle. I recognised that there were people out there willing to give my size a pass so long as I made an effort to look cute in other ways, and I worried about being the target of even more fatphobia than I already was.

In truth, I wasn’t wrong. Since cutting off my hair, the stares and whispers have increased. Kerbside “fat ass” or “fat b*tch” or “fat c*nt” remarks are on the rise, as the presence of the male gaze in my everyday interactions is on the decline. I simultaneously notice myself being looked at more and less, and having to combat the importance I place on others' opinions of me more deeply than I have in years.

This is something Ratnadevi Manokaran, plus-size influencer and cofounder of plus-size clothing brand The Curve Cult, knows all too well. She shaved her head at 23 — a moment she found extremely liberating. As she got older, however, she similarly found that cutting your hair short when you are a woman, and particularly when you are a fat woman, engenders this sudden absence of male attention; the kind of male attention women and femmes are generally taught to aspire to.

“As I grew older, I started to feel like I had to perform for men to be attractive for them, and [choosing] to have short hair meant I wasn’t interested in keeping them, or having them be attracted to me,” she explains. “My layers had to be unpacked when I was much older and when I wore my hair short, I truly understood that I did it for myself and not for people to be more accepting of how I looked or how I choose to present myself.”

Ultimately, I cannot help but feel this kind of unpacking is a positive thing. If we never challenge the armour we use, some of us may struggle to grasp our value outside of it. Without trusting in our value, we may further struggle to set healthy boundaries, to distance ourselves from toxic relationships, to fight for what we know we deserve, to say no when we want to say no, or yes when we want to say yes. Without understanding our value, we are often quicker to accept mistreatment from others and from ourselves.

It’s a lot to put on a haircut and I certainly don’t think any new style single-handedly has the power to reframe our sense of worth. It can be a start, though, as Okello says: “I’ve felt my most beautiful with short hair. There's nothing to hide behind and nothing to hide.”

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Virgo season has officially begun, and the new moon will rise in Virgo on Friday, August 30th. In astrology, the new moon is a time for introspection and reflection as we celebrate a new beginning. This month, we can expect to experience Virgo’s influence as we observe the new moon. As you may know, Virgo is associated with organization, idealism, and healing.

“The Virgo new moon is a perfect time to commit: to commit to a new venture, a new project, a new pursuit, or even yourself,” Gabriela Herstik, author of Inner Witch: A Modern Guide to the Ancient Craft, tells Refinery29. “Virgo is represented by the virgin or maiden, with virgin originally meaning someone who was complete unto themselves. I love the idea of working with the Virgo new moon as a chance to not only commit to yourself, but to honor and love every part of who you are.”

This may take the form of performing a new moon ritual. “You may wish to perform a ritual of dedication to yourself (like marrying yourself in a pagan handfasting ceremony), or a ritual in dedication of a commitment you can make to your growth and evolution,” Herstik suggestions. “In ritual, write down one thing you can commit to until Virgo season is over, and on the full moon in Pisces, check to make sure you’re on track with this.”

If ritual is too intimidating, Herstik has other suggestions, too. “Spending time outside in nature, meditating and visualizing what you want your professional or personal life to look like, researching a new path of magick, or spending time connecting to what feeds your spirit are all practices that are supported right now.” 

T. C. Stewart, founder of The Witch Of Lupine Hollow, suggests reflecting on what Virgo really means, and its position in your chart. “Virgo is the sign of the virgin, but if you’re having trouble relating to that concept in 2019 (age of Hex the Patriarchy), think of it this way: Virgo is an aspect of the priestess archetype, who were often required to be virginal in ancient times but wielded great power,” she explains. “The Vestal Virgins are an excellent example. They entered the service of the goddess Vesta at an early age and were required to remain virgins until the age of 36. These were some of the most powerful women in Rome, responsible for tending the sacred hearth and the flame believed to protect the Roman Empire. They could pardon prisoners, free slaves, and their presence was considered vital at ceremonies such as the games held at the famous Coliseum.”

Today, Stewart adds, “Virgo and the asteroid Vesta represent our relationship with rituals, sacred space and devotion. This is the perfect time to contemplate the rituals in your life and how they serve you. We all have daily rituals and routines, whether they are intentional or not.” 

While the new moon is in Virgo, Stewart suggests examine your own birth chart. “Taking a look at where Virgo and Vesta appear can be a great place to start looking for the answers to these questions within yourself.” And no matter what your birth chart looks like, it’s a good time to reflect on your daily routines: “How can you be more mindful about the activities you do each day? How can you introduce new mini rituals into your life that fulfill your own unique spiritual needs?”

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