I have always been a Valentine’s Day curmudgeon — I hate it. I also used to burst into hot-faced tears when people sang me “Happy Birthday” as a kid. For me, what it comes down to is that any semblance of forced enthusiasm makes me desperately, horribly uncomfortable. Valentine’s Day is the “holiday” that gets me feeling most #awkward. Relationships are wonderful and enriching, but let’s face it — they can also be hard, and feelings are complicated sometimes. Your S.O. can be the light of your life, but they can also drive you completely nuts. Valentine’s Day puts a tight straitjacket on any emotional messiness, and paints a big smile on everyone’s face for 24 hours. Is that weird to anyone else?!To see if I was totally alone, I took an office poll and asked what R29 staffers secretly really want to say to their loved ones on Valentine’s Day. To my relief, none of the answers that came back are likely to be on a Hallmark card anytime soon (I am not the only V-Day curmudgeon in the world!).
Here are ten things we really want to say to our S.O.s on Valentine’s Day. Since we’re not totally heartless, we’ll serve these up on delicious cakes to help soften the blow.
I love you. You're perfect. Now STOP CHEWING SO LOUDLY ALL THE TIME.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I need a threesome. How about you?
You had me at Netflix password.
If you love something, set it free. But not your farts. Please go in the other room, close the door, and take care of that.
How much do I love thee? Well, you're okay.
"My love, 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?' Wait a minute — are you scrolling through Facebook right now?!"
Netflix and chill? How about just takeout and sleepy time? Ah, young love!
To have and to hold, BUT HARDER PLEASE.
Please be mine, but just shhhhh.
It's really the nicest gift you could give me.
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