There was a time in our nation’s history when brave letter carriers would deliver the mail via horseback on the Pony Express. These 19th-century mailmen would have laughed in our faces if we told them that, one day in the future, letters would be delivered to little phones that we carry in our pockets. What about the art of letter-writing? The romance of a missive delivered via a powerful steed? And who would really want letters delivered every three minutes?
Love it or hate it, there’s no debating that the world pretty much runs on email. Unless you’re living in a Salinger-esque hermitage, there’s no way to avoid it. And for the most part, email is a technological advance that has made the world a better (and more communicative) place to live. But there are certain emails that make us long for the pre-Gmail days, or even the Pony Express.
From the dreaded chain letter to the self-promotional spam blast to the “I know we haven’t spoken in over a year but could you do me a favor” message, there are some emails that send shivers down our spines every time we open our inboxes. That’s why we’ve rounded up a list of the emails we all hate to receive — and what you should do to keep from throwing your laptop out the window in frustration.
The Chain Letter
If you are over the age of 12, you have absolutely no business sending a chain letter. No reasonable adult wants to deal with a letter that dramatically outlines why all your hopes and dreams will come crashing down if you do not immediately forward this email to 48 of your closest contacts. Yet despite all odds, these letters still exist in 2016. You would think that the human race would’ve figured out by now that harassing people via mail has no actual bearing on your fate, and that letters (surprise!) have no magical powers. And yet, the chain letter lives on — determined to annoy us as long as humans inhabit the earth.
What to do: Delete it, fast. (And maybe block the sender, too.)
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Big Favor
There’s no doubt about it — favors make the world go 'round. It’s nearly impossible to achieve any sort of professional advancement without calling on friends and contacts to hook you up. But there is an art to the favor-ask — and an expiration date. It’s incredibly awkward to get an email from someone you barely know (and haven’t spoken to in two years) who suddenly comes out of the woodwork to ask you for a job/contact/referral. Often, this email suspiciously coincides with your own professional advancement — meaning that this near-stranger is merely an opportunist.
What to do: It's best to politely decline the favor with a vague excuse — and let the emailer harass someone else he or she barely knows.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Self-Promotional Spam
Your ex-coworker is finally launching a jewelry line! There's going to be a huge party to celebrate! You're going to get approximately 27 emails before the event to remind you! Spam is bad enough when it’s sent to you by anonymous corporations, but then at least you can click the "Unsubscribe" button. No such luck when it’s someone you know. The shameless self-promoters will flood your inbox and leave you no way to opt out from the endless stream of reminders.
What to do: If there’s one or two repeat offenders, you can try setting up a filter and sending these emails straight to a folder rather than your main inbox.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The 2,000-Word Breakup Rant
We’ve all been there: It’s 3 a.m., you’ve just gone through a terrible breakup, and you can’t sleep. So, you decide it would be a great idea to write a giant, 2,000-word email to your ex, outlining all the ways in which this person was a total douche bag. These emails are often incoherent, filled with blind rage, and do way more damage than good. To be on the receiving end of The 2,000-Word Breakup Rant can be even worse. You are now forced to decide how to respond to this book-length email from your rabid ex.
What to do: In cases like these, it’s always best to talk things out in person. Otherwise, you’ll soon be sucked into a crazy email war — and that’s a fight that no one wins.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The 9 PM Work Crisis
It’s 9 p.m., you’ve just had a crazy day at work, and you’re just finally arriving at a restaurant to have some dinner and unwind with friends. But just as you take your first sip of wine, a notification pops up on your phone: It’s your boss, with a work “crisis.” At this juncture, a 6.7 earthquake is the only crisis that could convince you to abandon the glass of Pinot Noir in your hand. Even still, residual work anxiety threatens to derail your chill evening.
What to do: Turn off that phone before you get to dinner. If you never see that email — how can you be blamed for not answering?
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Disorganized Vacation Thread
There’s nothing worse than group emails that begin with this dreaded sentence: “OMG! Wouldn’t it be soooooo fun to head to Vegas for a quick weekend getaway?? When should we go?” There are usually about 10 or so people on the chain, and no one is free on the same weekend. Soon, the Disorganized Vacation Thread descends into utter chaos, as people begin throwing out dates nine months into the future. Before you know it, the email chain is 60 reply-alls deep, and no one has any idea what’s going on.
What to do: Your best bet is to quickly intercept the thread with a Doodle poll to figure out the best date for everyone — minus all the emails.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The "Let's Grab Drinks" Chain
“Let’s Grab Drinks” is a phrase that should be banished from the English language. How many times have you been on a “Let’s Grab Drinks” chain with someone and found that you’ve had to reschedule approximately 7,563 times? Each person takes turns coming up with increasingly absurd excuses ( My car got towed! I got into a Zumba accident! I have a funeral for my pet turtle!), until you finally agree to just circle back “when things are less hectic for both of you.” We all know what this means — you’re never getting drinks.
What to do: Just go get drinks by your awesome self instead. No emails, no headaches, all alcohol.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Bachelorette Weekend Correspondence
The politics involved in planning a Bachelorette party weekend are more frightening than our current election. At the top of the email chain you have the maid of honor, who is likely stressed, overworked, and under immense pressure to deliver a perfect weekend. Then you have the rest of the bridal party, all debating costs of the Airbnb, whether or not to get a stripper, and breaking down who is paying for what.
What to do: Bachelorette negotiations can be harrowing to endure, but in this case you have no choice but to reply all (and pray).
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Family Feud
If you’re part of a family that hates confrontation, then you’re very familiar with the Family Feud email game. The key is to never actually email the person you’re mad at — you just email everyone else in your family to bitch about that person. What was once a conflict between two people balloons into a family affair. Soon everyone has picked sides in a fight that could’ve easily been resolved if you’d just met with your sister to talk about why you didn’t eat her casserole at Thanksgiving.
What to do: If you’re not ready to step into the thread and say “Hey, why don’t you just talk to Stacy?” your best bet is to hit the Mute button (in Gmail, tap More, then Mute) so you’re at least spared the drama.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
The Kickstarter Fundraiser
There’s no shame in doing a Kickstarter — sometimes you need a chunk of change to finance your dreams. But there is shame in being shameless when it comes to asking people for money. Sure, email blasts are necessary to get people to donate. But there’s a limit. Getting weekly (or, ugh, daily) emails begging for cash is just too much.
What to do: Give people a minute to donate before harassing them on a daily basis. You’re bound to have better luck if you don’t make people feel like they’re being held at gunpoint for their money.
Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
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