I'm ready to admit two things. One: I think Justin Timberlake's new song, "Can't Stop the Feeling," is catchy as hell. And two: The video for it was like a who's-who of the most annoying people in my life.
To be clear, the people themselves aren't annoying. Most of them are lovely and not doing anything criminally insane. But they have become so intertwined with larger inconveniences in my life that they have unfortunately earned a spot on my shit list. Their micro-aggressions are the type that perhaps no one else will notice, but manage to crawl under my skin and set up shop there, waiting for me to explode.
Ahead, a completely ridiculous breakdown of all the people in Timberlake's hot new video who crush my soul without knowing it.
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The Perfectly Lovely Waitress Who Forgot To Tell The Kitchen I Don't Want Cilantro In My Quesadilla But I Don't Have The Heart To Tell Her So I Eat It Anyway And Tip Her Extra Because I Feel So Guilty For Even Being Mad At Such A Sweet Person
Literally every time, I ask for "no cilantro, please."
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Hairdresser Who Wants To Talk To Me During My Haircut & I Just Want To Sit In Silence
How can they even hear me over the sound of all those blowdryers?
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
Woman Who Leaves Her Clothes In The Dryer At The Laundromat Well Past Her Allotted Time & I Can Never Work Up The Nerve To Take Them Out & Put My Stuff In
Instead, I stand by the dryer, looking around, hoping someone braver than I am will walk up to the machine and simply say to me, "It's a 15-minute rule. If her stuff's been sitting here for 15 minutes, then just take it out." And then this kind stranger will take it out for me. This has never happened.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Uncle Who Gave Me An Old Chair Of His For My First Apartment & I've Had The Chair For Like Five Years But Can't Get Rid Of It Because I Live In Fear That He'll Come Over One Day & Say, "Hey, Where's That Chair?"
This has nothing to do with a car wash, but here we are.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
This Man Who Sold Me A Beautiful Hydrangea Flower & I Wake Up The Next Day And Have Managed To Destroy It
I'm not talking run-of-the-mill, cut the stems and give it fresh water and it will perk up. These things are straight-up dead after being in my possession for a mere 12 hours. And he knows I will come back to buy more. I will always come back. What secrets about the hydrangea does he hold?
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Girl Whose Lifestyle Instagram Game Is So On Point I Want To Just Throw Out Everything I Own
How is her apartment so clean all the time? Where does she find such interesting backdrops against which to photograph herself? What's the point in owning anything she doesn't curate for me?
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy Who Forgets To Take Down The Sale Sign On The Cheerios Aisle & Then I Roll Up To The Cashier With 12 Boxes Of Cheerios To Learn They Are No Longer Two For $5
And then what am I supposed to do? Make an entire line of people wait while I insist on tracking down the sign in the cold-cereal aisle to show the cashier that this was advertised as such? Of course not. I just say, "Oh, ok. I'll just take the one box then."
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy Who Gives Me A Skim Latte When I Ask For A Latte
Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I want the skim or light or diet version of what you're selling, buddy.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy Who Wishes Me A "Happy Friday!" Every Week & It Makes Me Want To Crawl Out Of My Skin Because He Is So Nice & I Am A Garbage Person
He's always in that kind of good mood that makes you feel bad about yourself.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
Every Truck Driver From My Childhood Who Never Obliged My Silent Request To Honk Their Horns
WAY TO CRUSH A KID'S DREAMS, YOU JERK.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Curmudgeons Who Collect My Monthly Student-Loan Payments
I just assume they look kind of like this?
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy At The Electronics Store Who Talked Me Into Getting A Bunch Of Shit I Probably Need But Won't Ever Use
External hard drive has been sitting in my desk drawer for about three years now.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Kid Who Brought His Blow-Up Toys To The Hotel Pool & Is Inadvertently Making Me Feel Bad About Day Drinking In Front Of Him
What's the etiquette about pool beers when there are kids around? I don't want to have to think about it.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy Who Can Wear A Jumpsuit & It Looks Completely Normal On Him While I Ride A Very Fine Line of Having a Wedgie & Wearing High Waters
Tall girls, can I get an amen?
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
The Guy At The Club Who's Really Good At Dancing But Carries None Of The Unspoken Pressure To Be A Sexy Dancer All The Time The Way Women Must
Guys get a hall pass on bad dancing. One poor move and everyone's like, "Aw, sick dad dance, Brad!" But if you're a female and you're a bad dancer, everyone feels really bad for you because you will die alone.
Photo: Courtesy of Giphy.
This Fucking Guy
Outside of car dealerships and also in my nightmares.
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